Rant i fucking hate my life

[hannah]

im well aware there's probably a whole community who makes rants about their social issues, so sorry if this is a bit old. 



i fucking hate my life. im ugly no matter how much i starve myself and all the self care products I use don't make a difference. 
i hate my fucking family situation as my dad has cancer which causes him to be more irritable after chemotherapy. 
my parents are divorced, my mom's practically a hoarder and i can't go over to her house without feeling like i can't fucking breathe from all the clutter.
 i only change my fucking clothes cause schools a bitch.
if i could kill myself I would. the only thing stopping me is how much it would distress my dad, causing him to yell at my siblings and the dog, and most likely go back to drinking.
 my mom would drink a lot and she doesn't make a large income as it is, which she would probably have to move to an even shittier apartment than we have now. 
i do have friends, and i am not seen to be angry and a lot of people supposedly like me, (prolly pity friends lol) but im a big enough of a bitch to get irritated at them for small things.
 i don't show it though, so they probably aren't angry at me for it. 
i hate that i live in a shit neighborhood where you see people dealing drugs at night.
 i do have several healthy coping mechanisms such as drawing and cooking, but my father always yells for not cleaning it up and how us kids need to contribute more, which all in all makes me feel like fucking shit because he's going through so much and if I just disappeared he would be perfectly fucking healthy with children who cleaned up and looked pretty. 
i have a counselor, and we talk about my social anxiety but she makes me feel really self conscious. 
it's not her fault she has long, pretty red hair and a skinny body type, but it just makes me feel like so much shit how she's so pretty compared to me. 
i don't self harm anymore because the scars were too difficult to fucking cover despite the fucking weather in north dakota to be colder than shit.  
i fucking hate my life. i don't have depression or anything because i don't cry a lot and i don't self harm, and my friends love me a lot. 
i just really fucking hate my life



sorry for the bitch rant

[Stella 1977]

@hannah I really wish I could take your pain away. Please, I hope you remember that you are not a mistake, worthless or stupid! You're not worthless and you're not ugly. It's okay to be insecure. There will always be things about you that you dislike. We are all insecure. Don't let it get the best of you. You could be the ugliest person in the world and you could still sell that in many ways. Chances are you are average and just need to build the skills that will make you good in a field of your liking. Start experimenting, doing different things and when you find the ones u like become good at them. Then it wont matter if you are ugly or gorgeous.

---

@hannah Sometimes the best a person can do is keep going and carry the hope that one day something will happen to make it all feel ok again. I'm sorry to hear things are so rough for you right now but hopefully something will come along or you will make decisions so it will happen, and you will find a reason to feel happy. You are so young and you have time to get back on track.

(This post was last modified: 06-15-2019, 05:11 AM by Stella 1977.)

[wildcard]

@hannah I don't understand why you (and a ton of others) would go through the trouble to create an account and tell us your story and then NEVER COME BACK.

That's why I didn't even reply at first...because every time I spend minutes of my life thinking about someone else's situation so that I can think of something that maybe, just maybe will help them, only to have that user get ghost.

You (and the others) may not realize it, but we would like a fucking update now and again.

[LZA]

Maybe OP thinks no one cares, and no one will respond... Just because 99.999% may not see to care, doesn't mean everyone doesn't.  I've seen this before and will make posts not necessarily for the OP but for maybe the anonymous reader going through the same thing if OP doesn't come back. Plus, I always think my posts are more important than they really are.  

Having said that. My only thoughts I can add are the fact that you seem young. Life gets different and the issues you have now will seem inconsequential in the future. Now is the time to try to figure out how to solve problems, since it will become a life lesson for future issues that will come up.

I tried suicide a few times and am happy I failed. Just remember, you can't improve yourlife if you are no longer iving it.. I may not have everything I want, but life to me now is knowing that the battle is in the struggle. These issues you are feeling now will help make you a stronger person on the future if you learn to deal with them.

Also, I had Cancer in 1999 and was on Chemo. Words in the English language can describe what you go through if you haven't gone through it...But If there is a hell, I can't picture it being any worse that that. You feel like your body is a coffin and you are trapped in it...So dad being grumpy goes without saying.

I'm not gonna say life will get better, but these issues you deal with now will change. Take this as an oppertunity to get stronger from the experience. If you look at it as a challenge to overome and not circumstances that victimize you, you have a huge chance to grow as a person.