12-25-2014, 04:34 PM
This has been the worst Christmas ever! I started my break last Friday by getting caught.
For the past few months, I've been leading a kind of double life because I, as an intelligent teenager, have always been told that I'm so gifted that I need to do EXACTLYWHATEVERYONEELSESAYS because no one else is talented enough or something like that. The point is, my life is controlled by everybody else's demands and it angered me so much that I dumped my socially acceptable boyfriend of two years, chopped off my hair, and started sleeping around.
My father found out, however, and his immense anger has come in waves. First, there was the initial anger, where he didn't really know what was going on, which had first him yelling, then him ranting. My mother lectured to me the next day. Then I had a day off, where I thought everything would get better. During that time, my father downloaded all of my text messages, including deleted ones. He found out everything and, I'll be honest, I'm into some pretty weird stuff, so that was huge.
My mother lectured me again, and then my father refused to speak to me for three days. It got so bad that I considered ending it all because I just couldn't handle it any more. I couldn't follow my passions, because that would deviate from the "intelligent teenager" mandate of doing everything you don't want to and I knew it would only get worse with my father. So, I gave up and tried, chickened out, and was sent the next morning to a "mental health clinic" for evaluation.
I didn't need to stay, but that almost makes it worse because it's less legitimate. Since that point, my dad has talked to me once as a seething lecture and then, on Christmas Eve, texted my grandfather with a picture he found of the guy I got caught with, asking me to identify it. Now I, as a teenager, am underage and this guy was older. My father is threatening to press charges.
I'm so angry I can't even speak. I just know it'll all keep getting worse and my father keeps telling me I have no empathy and need to learn to see things from other people's perspectives, that it would have been some travesty if I continued because (god forbid) what if one of his coworkers' sons was "fucking me like a tramp."
I found something I like, okay, something that makes me feel powerful. I was being as safe as I could in the given circumstance and, contrary to what my family thinks, it's not about them. At most, it's because they fostered an environment where I felt so out of control that I had to go looking for sex and where I felt so alone that I couldn't speak to them about it. I know they won't let up; the anger will only keep getting worse until the day I move out, which isn't for years.
I just don't know what to say anymore about them. I don't feel guilty, I don't regret what I did. I had fun, I did what I had to if I wanted to keep sleeping around, and they can think it's all about them, but I don't need their permission to exercise my own bodily autonomy. And my dad can get as angry as he wants, and being mad because I lied and snuck around is understandable.
But, seriously, would you try to arrest a guy for having consensual sex while simultaneously trying to ship your daughter to a loony bin because she's terrified of you? Would you return all of her Christmas presents just to make her feel bad? Would you force her to cut off her best friend just because they sometimes got bored and sexted each other? From what I see, she's got a right to be scared of your reactions.
PS. This whole "posting about it on the internet" thing would piss him off so bad. So, dad, if you're reading this, I hope you know I'm only ranting on here because of you. XOXO, I'm pissed.
For the past few months, I've been leading a kind of double life because I, as an intelligent teenager, have always been told that I'm so gifted that I need to do EXACTLYWHATEVERYONEELSESAYS because no one else is talented enough or something like that. The point is, my life is controlled by everybody else's demands and it angered me so much that I dumped my socially acceptable boyfriend of two years, chopped off my hair, and started sleeping around.
My father found out, however, and his immense anger has come in waves. First, there was the initial anger, where he didn't really know what was going on, which had first him yelling, then him ranting. My mother lectured to me the next day. Then I had a day off, where I thought everything would get better. During that time, my father downloaded all of my text messages, including deleted ones. He found out everything and, I'll be honest, I'm into some pretty weird stuff, so that was huge.
My mother lectured me again, and then my father refused to speak to me for three days. It got so bad that I considered ending it all because I just couldn't handle it any more. I couldn't follow my passions, because that would deviate from the "intelligent teenager" mandate of doing everything you don't want to and I knew it would only get worse with my father. So, I gave up and tried, chickened out, and was sent the next morning to a "mental health clinic" for evaluation.
I didn't need to stay, but that almost makes it worse because it's less legitimate. Since that point, my dad has talked to me once as a seething lecture and then, on Christmas Eve, texted my grandfather with a picture he found of the guy I got caught with, asking me to identify it. Now I, as a teenager, am underage and this guy was older. My father is threatening to press charges.
I'm so angry I can't even speak. I just know it'll all keep getting worse and my father keeps telling me I have no empathy and need to learn to see things from other people's perspectives, that it would have been some travesty if I continued because (god forbid) what if one of his coworkers' sons was "fucking me like a tramp."
I found something I like, okay, something that makes me feel powerful. I was being as safe as I could in the given circumstance and, contrary to what my family thinks, it's not about them. At most, it's because they fostered an environment where I felt so out of control that I had to go looking for sex and where I felt so alone that I couldn't speak to them about it. I know they won't let up; the anger will only keep getting worse until the day I move out, which isn't for years.
I just don't know what to say anymore about them. I don't feel guilty, I don't regret what I did. I had fun, I did what I had to if I wanted to keep sleeping around, and they can think it's all about them, but I don't need their permission to exercise my own bodily autonomy. And my dad can get as angry as he wants, and being mad because I lied and snuck around is understandable.
But, seriously, would you try to arrest a guy for having consensual sex while simultaneously trying to ship your daughter to a loony bin because she's terrified of you? Would you return all of her Christmas presents just to make her feel bad? Would you force her to cut off her best friend just because they sometimes got bored and sexted each other? From what I see, she's got a right to be scared of your reactions.
PS. This whole "posting about it on the internet" thing would piss him off so bad. So, dad, if you're reading this, I hope you know I'm only ranting on here because of you. XOXO, I'm pissed.
(This post was last modified: 12-25-2014, 05:51 PM by The Blonde Brainiac.)
