The Irish joke thread

[velvetfog]

This thread is dedicated to karpackie.

Post your Irish jokes, Paddy jokes and Kerryman jokes here.


karpackie attended a concert where a ventriloquist who fancied himself as a comedian told about twenty Kerryman jokes in a row.
"Look," shouted karpackie, standing up in the audience, "I'm fed up being insulted by all these jokes. We're not as stupid as you make out."
"Please sit down sir & be calm," said the ventriloquist, "after all it's only a joke, and don't tell me that Kerrymen haven't got a sense of humor."
"I'm not talking to you," said karpackie, "I'm talking to the little fellow on your knee..."

[zeberzee]

Paddys stood outside the whitehouse looking up at the flagpole looking rather confussed. seamus walks past and says 'was yer problem der paddy?' 'im tryn ta work out de height of dis er flag pole' paddy replies, so seamus whips out his hacksaw, cuts the pole down, gets his tape out, gives it a measure and tells paddy that its 100ft. paddy turns round and says ' ahh ye fookin idiot, i wanted to no the fookin height not de fookin length!'

[velvetfog]

A kerryman has been drinking at a pub all night.
When he stands up to leave, he falls flat on his face.
He tries to stand one more time, but to no avail.
He figures he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up. Once outside, he stands up and, sure enough, he falls flat on his face.
Finally he decides to crawl the four blocks to his home.
When he arrives at the door, he stands up and falls flat on his face.
He crawls through the door into his bedroom. When he reaches his bed, he tries one more time to stand up.
This time, he manages to pull himself upright but he quickly falls right into bed.
The next morning he awakens to see his wife standing over him, shouting: "So, you've been out drinking again!"
"Why do you say that?" he asks.

"The pub called. You left your wheelchair there again."

[sporkium]

  what is six miles long and has iq of one-hundred and five?   Hide

a st. patrick's day parade.

[velvetfog]

Q: Whats the difference between an Irish wedding, and an Irish funeral?
A: There's one less drunk.

Q: Whats the difference between a smart Irish man and a unicorn?
A: Nothing, they're both fictional characters.

Q: What's the difference between Ireland and a tea bag?
A: The tea bag stays in the cup longer.

Q: How do you blind an Irish woman?
A: You put a bottle of whiskey in front of her.

Q: Did you hear about the winner of the Irish beauty contest?
A: Me neither.

Q: What do you call an Irishman in the knockout stages of the World Cup?
A: A Referee.

Q: Why wasn't Jesus born in Ireland?
A: They couldn't find 3 wise men or a virgin.

Q: How can you tell if an Irishman is having a good time?
A: He's Dublin over with laughter!!

Q: Why can't you borrow money from a leprechaun?
A: Cos they're always a little short

Q: What is black and blue and found floating up side down in the Irish sea?
A: Someone who's tells a stupid Irish joke.

Q: Why did God invent whiskey?
A: So the Irish would never rule the world.

Q: What is Irish diplomacy?
A: It's the ability to tell a man to go to hell in such a way that he will look forward to making the trip.

[sporkium]

how do you confuse an irishman? put three shovels against the wall, and tell him to take his pick.

[sporkium]

betty: you shouldn't make jokes about irish people; it will hurt their feelings.

bill: you are assuming that they will get the joke.

[Mark]

A guy sits down at the bar and orders a drink. He looks to the man on his right and asks, 'Would you like to hear a funny ass Irish joke?'

The man scowls back, 'Well before you tell your joke you should know that I am Irish!! And the guys sitting to my right is Irish and the guy by him is Irish!!!'

The Mick stood up and stuck out his chest. 'So do you still want to tell that joke?!?!'

The guy looks up and says, 'No forget it . . . I don't want to have to explain it three times.'

[velvetfog]

[srijantje]

TWO IRISH WOMEN IN A BAR.

Two women are sitting next to each other in a bar.
After a while one looks at the other and says 'I can't help but think from listening to you, that you're from Ireland .....'

The other woman responds proudly 'Yes I sure am!'

The first one says, 'So am I! And whereabouts in Ireland are ya from?'

The other woman answers 'I'm from Dublin, I am.'

The first one responds 'So, am I!! And what street did you live on in Dublin ?'

The other woman says, 'A lovely little area. It was in the west end. I lived on Warbury Street in the old central part of town.'

The first one says 'Faith and it's a small world. So did I! So did I! And what school did ya go to?'

The other woman answers 'Well now, I went to Holy Heart of Mary of course.'

The first one gets really excited and says 'And so did I! Tell me, what year did you graduate?'
The other woman answers 'Well now let's see. I graduated in 1964.'
The first woman exclaims, 'The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same pub tonight! Can you believe it? I graduated from Holy Heart of Mary in 1964 meself!'

About this time Michael walks into the bar, sits down and orders a beer.
Brian the bartender walks over to Michael shaking his head and mutters 'It's going to be a long night tonight.The Murphy twins are pissed again