04-14-2014, 06:31 AM
I'm new to this forum, so I don't exactly know what people rant or complain or cry about, but this has been eating me alive and I so desperately need to get it out somewhere. Anywhere.
It started 4 years ago when I signed up for twitter. My mum had it, so I thought, whatever, I'll see. It was meh for a while. I didn't talk on it. Mainly posted stupid shit that twelvies post. Then I started watching a tv show. (FYI: I'm not going to state any specific information in any of this.) I loved it so much, I expressed my love about it on twitter! Soon people who also liked the same show as much as I did started following me, and I got a few friends. Of course, friends means info about yourself. The age I was then was not a very popular age. Sure, I was mature for my age, didn't act as stupid as most people my age. But that didn't matter. I would still be the same dumb kid. So the first friend I became close with said their age, then asked me mine. They were three years older than me. I said 'Oh yeah! me too!' At the time, I didn't think about it. Looking back, that tweet changed my future and I didn't even know it.
I would sometimes think about coming out truthful about my age, but then I noticed many older people showing extreme negativity to my real age group. I thought, "Oh. I wont say anything yet."
A year or so went by, I got over that show and that fandom, and got in to a book series that is very popular nowadays. Sadly, this fandom showed even more negativity for my age group than the last one. It saddened me. People loved me! But it was distressing to know they wouldn't love me if they knew my real age. That hurt, but it didn't affect me too much.
2 or so years later, I managed to make it so people believed I was only 2 years older than I actually am. I got attached to people, and they got attached to me. Theyd all seen my face in photos, but thankfully I looked older than I am. Shit got bad. One of my closest friends turned out to be lying about their first name, claiming that they were going to be legally changing it soon and it was like a fresh start, as theyd had a rough past. It didn't phase me, because it was small and nothing compared to my lie. But the fandom exploded. So much hate was thrown towards her. Hate accounts, best friends hated her. She eventually left and I haven't spoken to her in ages. That affected me.
Last year was the worst for this. It started to get to me. I grew really attached to people, knowing them, skyping them, I knew so many people and I got along better with them than anyone in real life. But I knew they'd never talk to me if they knew my age. That hurt me.
Near the end of last year, I got in to a relationship online. Id known this girl for 2 years and I loved her. Her biggest fear was someone she loved lying to her. I kept trying to convince myself to tell people the truth, to just spit it out. Because it was destroying me and it would destroy people more if i kept it for so so long. But i didn't. And i hate myself for that.
Ive been in that relationship for 6 months now, it's going brilliantly and I love her. I have 2 best friends online that I text and skype and facetime everyday.
But i dont know if i can do it anymore. I keep making up excuses for things, like why i dont have my license and all that. It is killing me. I hate doing this to them, and I hate what its doing to me. Because Im lying to the people i love the most, the people ive made plans for the future with. And I think about that everyday. And I know that i could forget about them in a year and these problems wont matter then, but they matter now, and they matter so much i cry over it. I know some people will look at this and say "you dumbfuck. why would you lie about your age?" and i know, I KNOW it was the stupidest thing i could ever do. But i was young and scared and I hate myself so much for that one tweet. So this is my rant, and I know its a dumbass rant, but this is the thing that affects me most and keeps me up at night, hating myself.
yeah.
I dont know.
It started 4 years ago when I signed up for twitter. My mum had it, so I thought, whatever, I'll see. It was meh for a while. I didn't talk on it. Mainly posted stupid shit that twelvies post. Then I started watching a tv show. (FYI: I'm not going to state any specific information in any of this.) I loved it so much, I expressed my love about it on twitter! Soon people who also liked the same show as much as I did started following me, and I got a few friends. Of course, friends means info about yourself. The age I was then was not a very popular age. Sure, I was mature for my age, didn't act as stupid as most people my age. But that didn't matter. I would still be the same dumb kid. So the first friend I became close with said their age, then asked me mine. They were three years older than me. I said 'Oh yeah! me too!' At the time, I didn't think about it. Looking back, that tweet changed my future and I didn't even know it.
I would sometimes think about coming out truthful about my age, but then I noticed many older people showing extreme negativity to my real age group. I thought, "Oh. I wont say anything yet."
A year or so went by, I got over that show and that fandom, and got in to a book series that is very popular nowadays. Sadly, this fandom showed even more negativity for my age group than the last one. It saddened me. People loved me! But it was distressing to know they wouldn't love me if they knew my real age. That hurt, but it didn't affect me too much.
2 or so years later, I managed to make it so people believed I was only 2 years older than I actually am. I got attached to people, and they got attached to me. Theyd all seen my face in photos, but thankfully I looked older than I am. Shit got bad. One of my closest friends turned out to be lying about their first name, claiming that they were going to be legally changing it soon and it was like a fresh start, as theyd had a rough past. It didn't phase me, because it was small and nothing compared to my lie. But the fandom exploded. So much hate was thrown towards her. Hate accounts, best friends hated her. She eventually left and I haven't spoken to her in ages. That affected me.
Last year was the worst for this. It started to get to me. I grew really attached to people, knowing them, skyping them, I knew so many people and I got along better with them than anyone in real life. But I knew they'd never talk to me if they knew my age. That hurt me.
Near the end of last year, I got in to a relationship online. Id known this girl for 2 years and I loved her. Her biggest fear was someone she loved lying to her. I kept trying to convince myself to tell people the truth, to just spit it out. Because it was destroying me and it would destroy people more if i kept it for so so long. But i didn't. And i hate myself for that.
Ive been in that relationship for 6 months now, it's going brilliantly and I love her. I have 2 best friends online that I text and skype and facetime everyday.
But i dont know if i can do it anymore. I keep making up excuses for things, like why i dont have my license and all that. It is killing me. I hate doing this to them, and I hate what its doing to me. Because Im lying to the people i love the most, the people ive made plans for the future with. And I think about that everyday. And I know that i could forget about them in a year and these problems wont matter then, but they matter now, and they matter so much i cry over it. I know some people will look at this and say "you dumbfuck. why would you lie about your age?" and i know, I KNOW it was the stupidest thing i could ever do. But i was young and scared and I hate myself so much for that one tweet. So this is my rant, and I know its a dumbass rant, but this is the thing that affects me most and keeps me up at night, hating myself.
yeah.
I dont know.