Living with PTSD

[ThatGuyInHere]

Hey guys im new here and just need somewhere for advice, or help. I mean life isn't bad but Having PTSD sucks, it feels like im stuck in an endless cycles of daydreams on and off throughout they day. Sometimes they follow me to bed and man has that been interesting, the other night I had a vivid dream of me handcuffed to steering wheel of my car and lit on fire. that shit woke me up in cold sweats. but again that's not as bad as it seems. my biggest issues with Living with PTSD is contact with people, in general. Some people are nice others are just assholes but It is life, not everyone is happy. I have the biggest problem with dealing with people because they are afraid of me. Well not of me but my PTSD, I mean like I don't lash out on people like I used to when I was younger. I mean I moved across the USA and I barely know these people and they feel threatened by me or uncomfortable. I have moved 8 months ago and haven't made friends yet. as nice as I am I have hung with some people but again they don't like me. or at least I feel they don't. Everything is super awkward to me, I feel like people don't like me because 2 weeks ago at work my boss pulled me into the office and completely offended me and then told me feels like I threaten him. I took a good 5 minutes to respond because I have no idea how I should continue. l mean I felt so fucked in my head all I can think about is how I come across people. wich when I go see my therapist he  says im just over reacting and that im doing just fine with how I act regularly. ive been in therapy since I was 12 years old im not 23 about to be 24 and man I feel super helpless and lost. therapy has been a joke to me because I spend all this money to talk to someone I barely know. in return they give you meds to help and I can say I absolutely hate most of them, I get scared of pharmaceuticals because when I was given 15MG of Xanax I tried to commit suicide. scary times and I try hard to stay away fom situations and make the best of myself every day. Honestly I feel stuck. Maybe I coule be trapped in my head or the drugs the doctors give me make me weird.

[wildcard]

Reading through your post, I see that you are in therapy, that you are medicated, and that you are fairly self-aware.

I think overall, you seem to be doing your best, considering what you have to go through.

Can't say I have any advice, but I do have questions. Does your work know about your issues? If so, couldn't them treating you that way be considered discrimination? If not, shouldn't you make them aware?

One more thing, it sounds like your therapist isn't listening very well if she says you are overreacting to things that people say. Then again, I guess it is possible that the therapist is right. Can you give us a more specific example of how you were treated when the therapist judged that you were overreacting?

Wishing you the best, @ThatGuyInHere

P.S. Get an avatar

[ThatGuyInHere]

Reading through your post, I see that you are in therapy, that you are medicated, and that you are fairly self-aware.

I think overall, you seem to be doing your best, considering what you have to go through.

Can't say I have any advice, but I do have questions. Does your work know about your issues? If so, couldn't them treating you that way be considered discrimination? If not, shouldn't you make them aware?

One more thing, it sounds like your therapist isn't listening very well if she says you are overreacting to things that people say. Then again, I guess it is possible that the therapist is right. Can you give us a more specific example of how you were treated when the therapist judged that you were overreacting?

Wishing you the best, @ThatGuyInHere

P.S. Get an avatar

yes, I told my managers when i got hired and worked out a schedule to see my therapist 2 times a month. A perfect example is my first week there my first day by myself at work after training it got busy, but I could handle my work I kept up. My boss wrote in a log and said he was worried I was going to walk out on him, the next day my GM came up to me and told me what he wrote and he wanted to check up on me and re assured me that I was a lot better than most people they hire. He tole me that last guy wouldn't be don't his work by 3am and im usually done by 1am, he said I was an upgrade so I figured everything was good. A few days later the same manager that said he was afraid of me walking out on him came up to me as we were leaving and started yelling at me for not having the prep dishes cleaned, they only had me trained for 3 day on a dish position and the prep has their own sink for their butcher knives and prep machines so they were the ones who left it. I simply explained to the manager that I wasn't trained yet and he wrote in his log that I was disrespectful and insabordianent to him. then the next day when I was training a new hire on my position with what I know we were doing phenomenal like we kept our station clean the whole time and the same manager came back and was like "wow ive never seen it so clean before thank you Jeff" I told him that hurt my feeling because ever since ive started I was keeping it that way and he responded saying "good" so I went on break and was waiting for my food when my coworker came over and started talking to me the same manager came up to me and blasted me in front of customers and coworkers about flirting when I have a wife. I was so confused and anxious I walked out to smoke a cigarette. I got quiet for the rest of the night because I was being nice and im not married. I have a girlfriend so it made me feel very uncomfortable and ashamed for being nice to people. I closed that night alone and got done 51 minutes after we closed and the next day my GM was asking questions about what happened and I told him, The manager told him I threatened him and started slamming everything down and made a scene. wich wasn't true because when the GM investigated they told him that the other manager was going off on me for nothing. As of right now I let it all go and ignore it and I feel like he holds it on me. like I closed Monday night and I walked to the gas station fter work to get cigarettes because its literally next door, everyone from my work left to go home and I went back and got into my car and went home, Tuesday morning my GM yelled at me for trying to get into the building after we closed. The manager that's been the issue told him that he had to come back to reset the alarm because someone tried to break in. it set the alarm off. he said the cops described a red 4 door car left the scene and he pointed his finger at me because I have a red 4 door car, but I am in the middle of painting my car so its half gray because of primer. when I told my GM that He said he believed me. But I feel that he has it out for me. my therapist says im over reacting but I don't think I am.

[wildcard]

yes, I told my managers when i got hired and worked out a schedule to see my therapist 2 times a month.

Okay, that's good.

But I feel that he has it out for me. my therapist says im over reacting but I don't think I am.

Maybe you should look for another therapist.

It seems to me that they should be helping you learn how to stick up for yourself better, rather than just brushing off the things that you are going through as an "overreaction."

Obviously, I am not a trained professional, but I do have some advice:

Use people; don't let them use you. For example, when your manager inappropriately chastised you for "flirting when you have a wife," rather than just taking that sort of abuse, you should have gone to HR. This is very, very inappropriate behavior, and in many cases, this is actionable.

It seems like if there is someone out to get you, that they are creating a paper trail to "prove" that you are a problem employee. So, you need your own paper trail. If something like that happens again, try to calmly, but firmly tell your manager that your personal life is none of their business. Stick up for yourself. The worst thing that can happen is that you lose your job, and it really doesn't sound like it is that great of a job to begin with.

Disclaimer: My life isn't perfect either, so use your own judgement and feel free to ignore me.

[LZA]

I can echo @wildcard and to say that I'm not a professional either, and my life can be fucked on epic levels. So I can share my experiences and observations, which I can give you as food for thought, even if you come to the conclusion that I'm wrong.

I was diagnosed with depression/anxiety since I was 18... There are probably other issues as well, but I can't say them since I'm not professionally diagnosed by a professional. And to be honest, some of these professionals can be wrong too...

Being "labeled" anything, comes with a stigma... If it's self-inflicted or not, I always knew in the back of my mind I wasn't normal and therefore always assumed if anything went wrong that it was me to blame, if it had to do with my issues or not didn't matter.

Truth is I'm not the only one with issues; there are many in the same boat. When Wildcard says to use people I actually agree because they will certainly use you. People with issues of their own will make themselves feel better by exploiting yours. So letting others know your PTSD has no shame, it's kinda like an animal showing their belly because assholes WILL use it to exploit you... Again, with the stigma, it's easier to conclude that the one with the diagnosis is probably the first to be at fault for something. We know this is not the case, but lazy stupid masses in the public will look for a label to attach to so further thinking won't be needed.

Mental health has come a long way as far as acceptance/understanding, but also manipulation as well... Like you, I had a boss with her own issues who was quick to exploit mine when she felt threatened. My only mistake was not advocating for myself and thinking I "knew my place".. She knew this, and when I finally went off the rails and said fuck it, she manufactured a paper trail on me. I ended up having to leave. For the longest time I thought I was a victim, but it's not the case. You sound like you understand what's going on with yourself so you can make adjustments as needed, which is what I should have done instead of saying fuck it.

Having a diagnosis doesn't make you weaker, you can actually turn it into a strength. The only thing is these sheep will use it against you to forward themselves, so again, use them, or at least don't let them use you. But knowing you have an issue can be an enemy for yourself too, since you have to work from a self-perceived disadvantage, which makes you ask yourself "what's wrong with me/what did I do wrong". People are people and it is what it is, what may be happening to you is just how it is and not your fault at all.

Lastly, if you are not satisfied with your therapist you should look for a new one... There are degrees of intelligence with these people... Some people are just good shoulders to cry on/vent to while others will offer suggestions. Like your boss, friends, and others, therapists are people too and have their own thing...

For him/her to just say "you are overreacting" to me sounds lazy if it was said how you wrote it and gave you no explanation... Just like your boss, I wonder if your therapist is just saying that to phone that statement in by blaming it on your established diagnosis... However, there may be some truth to it too... It's probably a combination of many things, but if that's all they tell you, it's simply not enough... I agree you do seem self-aware, so while you may not know everything, if you know you are not satisfied with that therapists answer then that may be a place to start working on.

I tell you this knowing myself I'm the biggest overthinker I know (others told me the same). My advice is what you seem to be doing: Constant work, own what you do and fix it, but don't let your LABEL become your IDENTITY... and don;t let others do that to you... If you are not overreacting, if your boss is a dick, then stand up. I proverbial "bitch slap" by standing up for yourself will show at least you won't make yourself a target.