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  • Rant Impossibility of Happiness
    I am an 18 year old male in his first year at university, studying computer science. I skipped a grade, 1460 SAT, blah blah blah I'm clearly at least relatively capable. I just don't give a fuck. I have been in a relatively depressed state for several months now, since well before college, and I am like addicted to feeling melancholic. Anyway, I don't think happiness is possible. With my current set of beliefs, which I pride myself in for being radically open minded and skeptical, I don't see how I could ever achieve happiness. I have had, I would say, a single fulfilling relationship EVER, and that was my friend, Ryan, in middle school. I don't give any fucks about any current friends, professors, family, whatever. I truly do feel like I only interact with them because, in order to play the game of life as it is conventionally played, I am socially obligated to do so. I don't really like any of them, they piss me the fuck off ALL THE TIME. It isn't some bullshit angst, I know what the problem is: I have expectations that few people, except some how fucking Ryan, manage to meet. These expectations consist largely of just being responded to promptly. I don't need a response all that quick, just when someone checks their fucking phone like 10 times and still doesn't do so little as EVEN TEXT ME FUCKING BACK, I find that INTOLERABLE. I am not on the same page with these people. I have never ignored anyone, I really do respond as soon as I see messages. I feel so ridiculously disrespected when this happens to me, and it's a daily fucking occurrence. So, I then need to ask myself if my expectations are irrational. Well, I would, but I not only don't think I am acting irrationally, I also don't give a single fuck if I am. If that standard is seen as irrational, call me irrational. I am not compromising on this, and it seems like that will bring me misery for a hell of a long time. On top of this, I have no fucking idea if I truly enjoy anything I think I enjoy. I really do feel so indoctrinated into society that I don't think I am a unique being whatsoever. While this isn't inherently a bad thing, I think it's a bad thing in my case because if I  don't give a fuck about anything I think I give a fuck about, I am only under the impression that I give a fuck about it because I have been indoctrinated into the society I was born into, then I will truly always be unhappy. Or, at the very least, unfulfilled. I just don't fucking know what to do. I am successful in school, good at sports, whatever whatever whatever, BUT I DO NOT CARE. IT DOES NOT MATTER TO ME. And I question my fucking motives ALL THE TIME now. Every single day, I question why I do anything. The only thing I can conjure up is because it is what I know and am used to; it is a comfortable distraction that is automatic. That's it. Perhaps playing into the stereotypical angsty teen a bit more, I don't care for anyone to tell me this is a fucking phase. I just don't give a fuck about anything. My motivation is nonexistent, I am only even in college because it was obviously the next step. Bing, bing, bing. Fuck yeah, my entire life's trajectory gets spoon fed to me so I can convince myself that I am truly happy and fulfilled. What would I do if there were no external pressure? Who would I become, what would I be interested in, what would I engage in? What am I truly about? Can I know? Will I ever become genuinely fulfilled and happy? Fuck me.

    Messages In This Thread
    Impossibility of Happiness - by mon1tor - 02-04-2020, 01:48 AM
    RE: Impossibility of Happiness - by LZA - 02-04-2020, 02:54 PM

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