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  • Rant Impossibility of Happiness
    I am an 18 year old male in his first year at university, studying computer science. I skipped a grade, 1460 SAT, blah blah blah I'm clearly at least relatively capable. I just don't give a fuck. I have been in a relatively depressed state for several months now, since well before college, and I am like addicted to feeling melancholic. Anyway, I don't think happiness is possible. With my current set of beliefs, which I pride myself in for being radically open minded and skeptical, I don't see how I could ever achieve happiness. I have had, I would say, a single fulfilling relationship EVER, and that was my friend, Ryan, in middle school. I don't give any fucks about any current friends, professors, family, whatever. I truly do feel like I only interact with them because, in order to play the game of life as it is conventionally played, I am socially obligated to do so. I don't really like any of them, they piss me the fuck off ALL THE TIME. It isn't some bullshit angst, I know what the problem is: I have expectations that few people, except some how fucking Ryan, manage to meet. These expectations consist largely of just being responded to promptly. I don't need a response all that quick, just when someone checks their fucking phone like 10 times and still doesn't do so little as EVEN TEXT ME FUCKING BACK, I find that INTOLERABLE. I am not on the same page with these people. I have never ignored anyone, I really do respond as soon as I see messages. I feel so ridiculously disrespected when this happens to me, and it's a daily fucking occurrence. So, I then need to ask myself if my expectations are irrational. Well, I would, but I not only don't think I am acting irrationally, I also don't give a single fuck if I am. If that standard is seen as irrational, call me irrational. I am not compromising on this, and it seems like that will bring me misery for a hell of a long time. On top of this, I have no fucking idea if I truly enjoy anything I think I enjoy. I really do feel so indoctrinated into society that I don't think I am a unique being whatsoever. While this isn't inherently a bad thing, I think it's a bad thing in my case because if I  don't give a fuck about anything I think I give a fuck about, I am only under the impression that I give a fuck about it because I have been indoctrinated into the society I was born into, then I will truly always be unhappy. Or, at the very least, unfulfilled. I just don't fucking know what to do. I am successful in school, good at sports, whatever whatever whatever, BUT I DO NOT CARE. IT DOES NOT MATTER TO ME. And I question my fucking motives ALL THE TIME now. Every single day, I question why I do anything. The only thing I can conjure up is because it is what I know and am used to; it is a comfortable distraction that is automatic. That's it. Perhaps playing into the stereotypical angsty teen a bit more, I don't care for anyone to tell me this is a fucking phase. I just don't give a fuck about anything. My motivation is nonexistent, I am only even in college because it was obviously the next step. Bing, bing, bing. Fuck yeah, my entire life's trajectory gets spoon fed to me so I can convince myself that I am truly happy and fulfilled. What would I do if there were no external pressure? Who would I become, what would I be interested in, what would I engage in? What am I truly about? Can I know? Will I ever become genuinely fulfilled and happy? Fuck me.
    I skimmed through this now hinge I’m not home and subject to my goddammed phone

    I’ll read it completely later on

    What I can say is there is truth to the saying ignorance is bliss...but ignorance is also lazy and pathetic as well. I never took my SATs or went to college but in smart enough to relate to what you are saying.

    Maybe (coming from my perspective) that is an easy excuse to use for not being happy. Saying I’ll never be happy allowed me to pretty much say fuck it all. But that was the excuse she I had to not realize my shortcomings

    The trick I’m trying is to use the intelligence I have to find a way to be happy, or st least content. What you are describing is more of an emotional fix then a logical one

    Think how much happier you will be to outsmart the reality of how ducked up this place can be. Better yet to be happy in spite of it.

    Just my thoughts

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