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  • I hate jealousy but I'm feeling it!!
    So today I can deny no more about the jealousy I'm feeling deep inside, and now I'm mad at my crush as well as 2 of my female friends. Yeah yeah nothing new, but still when you get to feel this you'll think you're no longer yourself but you seem to be possessed by an invisible & invincible force - jealousy. Every time you experience it, you feel grave and annoyed; then as it leads you on, you proceed to imagine negative things in your head which makes you further frustrated.

    #TLDR alert.

    So this crush of mine is someone who I met in my course from the last academic year. At first we were just friends. Now that I look back seems like at that time he already started liking me romantically, but I didn't notice at that time. Cos he messaged me frequently to make plans wth me: either seeing a movie, attending an open lecture, having dinner together or just talking in the cafe. Yeah I admit I'm pretty silly into not realising that, and only did after I started to have feelings for him this academic year. We're still friends, and still meet up from time to time, but less than last year. I'm kinda sad actually cos I wanna see him more often, and sometimes I wonder how come he no longer wants to see me as often as before - Does he think I'm not interested, or is he not, or is he just shy after all? Then it occurred that I went to his house once just chilling together, and in the end we hugged each other and finally kissed. We continued kissing several times that night. This is actually a rather obvious sign for me to confirm that he actually does like me. The other minor signals I get from him is that I catch him staring at me sometimes and whenever he is being spotted he smiles back at me; and also he sometimes deliberately touches my hand.

    And why am I mad at him recently? Cos I get MIXED signals in general - not only did I receive those sweet signs. After that, we met up for a chat, and we were holding hands and he hugged me & pecked me on my lips before we parted. But that is when the sweetness ends. After that, we met up for a movie, but then he was late for 30 mins: when it was about our meeting time he messaged me saying that he was just upstairs and needed 10 mins more to come down - well that's fine with me. Then it took him FAR more than 10 mins and I got worried - I messaged him asking him if he's alright but he's got no signal, so it got me more worried. Then luckily I bumped into my best friend and asked her if she's seen him, and she said 'yes, I was just talking to him a while ago, and then I saw him talking to someone else - think she's the girl from our class...' At this point I got relieved, BUT as well as irritated - cos it's close to the time when the movie is about to start; and while I was worrying sick he actually went around talking to people, seriously?? Then when he FINALLY came down to meet me, he apologised, 'Sorry for being late, my phone's got issue with the wi-fi, and I've just met 2 ppl whom I haven't seen in ages, so thought I have to catch up with them.' And I was a bit more irritated, cos he seemed to put those ppl on top of our movie date - sure, I really don't mind if he catches up with them, but can't he pick a more suitable timing, like when we're not in a rush, and he won't have to get me worried sick by disappearing to do so? I feel like he's not making an effort there. OK then, when he's done explaining this annoying shit, I didn't do anything but remained calm - I accepted his apology and then proceeded to give him a hug, but this is where the limit of my tolerance stands - HE PUSHED ME BACK. He just said, 'oh shouldn't we go now?' Oh sure, you've spent much time, or shall I say WASTED much time chit-chatting with others, and now when it comes to hugging me, you can't spare time for that. NOT okay. So I was suddenly disappointed in him, and on the way to the cinema we just talked distantly, and even afterwards when we said goodbye I didn't make a move for a hug or even a kiss. I thought I shouldn't embarrass myself.

    And then we mostly talk to each other through messaging, at least that'll keep me calm and unhurt. But then another drama occurred before Xmas. There was a small party taken place in our course's department, and we both attended. We didn't attend together though - I had a seminar beforehand and God knows what he was up to. But he told me that I'd go, and asked me whether I'd go too, I replied 'depends on my mood, might pop in to say hello to a friend whom I've promised to.' And this is real. I have a female friend, K, who's also in the same course. So after my seminar, I popped in, and said hi to K. I immediately spotted him at a farther corner (but not too far actually, cos the room is small) talking to another girl. And he kept talking to her without coming to greet me - I was disappointed, but I guess it's fair cos I kept talking to K as well and didn't go over to greet him either. Then when pizzas arrived, all of us in the room started to make a move and by chance I was then in a conversation with K, him, and the girl he was talking to. As he's a friendly and cheerful person, he immediately made fast friends with my friend K, like he usually does with strangers. My friend K also has the same charisma. Then let's skip the party details towards the end of the party, which is the main point of this story. When the party was abt to wrap up, everyone made a dash for the drinks, which is the far opposite side of the pizza corner. He was no exception - he said he'd get himself another drink, and offered to get us some as well. Me and the rest said no, but then my friend K said she'd join him. Then I waited like a fool for more time than it usually takes to get a drink, and then discovered that they had left our group and were talking over there, by the drinks section. I was very agitated and angry tbh, at BOTH OF THEM. I suspected that he did that on purpose, though I didn't know what exactly, cos he'd be looking over me and the rest who was sitting with me from time to time as he talked to her. Probably to annoy me -but why?! I saw that K was very immersed in conversing, like she usually does with me and with others. I wasn't mad at her because of how she was into conversing with him, but I was mad cos as a friend she ditched me and the group and just went with a stranger guy she just met. Ofc part of the fact was that I was jealous of how close they've become so fast, and I know K has got a boyfriend herself in her hometown and they are in a happy committed relationship, but I couldn't help thinking that 'well things can happen and she may find out that she likes my crush more than her actual boyfriend, OR she can cheat on her boyfriend with my crush' and then my mind started going crazy and FML!! Therefore, I offered to leave the party, and so I said bye to them - K was still nice saying that she wished me a merry Xmas & a happy new year, and him as well and he also smiled at me. And when I was at the door I turned again and I saw they went on talking and... yeah it sounded silly but there was a stabbing pain in my heart. Jealousy & insecurity took over me.

    Then let's skip it to TODAY, where I experienced a similar situation with my other female friend, J, who is also my current best friend. We went to an essay feedback session today (for a common module the three of us is taking). My slot was right before his, and he saw me he looked happy and asked me how I've been (this is the 1st time we saw each other after Xmas). Then after he had his slot it was my friend J's turn. So she went into the room, and I waited for her outside. He stayed with me chatted with me while waiting for J. It was a nice and friendly chat.

    After that we left together. On the way leaving, all of us talked and joked with one another but at some point they talked abt sitcoms that I've never watched and thus I had to stay silent for the rest of the discussion. Then at a road's intersection I had to turn left for my home's direction, and for theirs they were going to catch the bus. I said bye to them and J was nice to lingered with me for a bit but then he was like 'bye' with a smile and was ready to turn his back on me. I was thinking like 'are you hot or are you cold, boy?' Then yeah ofc after saying bye they went on talking while walking towards the bus stop. This time I'm more angry at this friend, as even when she's my best friend she left me out during our conversation, and on top of that, she KNEW ALREADY I had a crush on this guy (I told her that, and she said we'd be a nice couple). Now my paranoid mind is full of thoughts of them talking or getting together BEHIND MY BACK.

    Yeah so that's my long ranting, dating from last year. Right now I'm mad at 2 female friends for approaching the guy I like, yeah sounds like an immature teenager but I really couldn't help it... A part of me saying that my girlfriends are innocent that they've done nothing wrong, but another part is retorting that but if they're friends they shouldn't have made you feel left out! Now seems like the devil side is winning, as I've been in a bad mood since this incident today, making me fend a new anger on another friend of mine, as well as recollecting stuff which that guy had disappointed me.
    (01-26-2016, 08:08 PM)bluestar922 Wrote:  #TLDR alert.

    forget the tldr alert... more like a sentence and paragraph structure alert.

    okay, what you are experiencing is called being a teenager. just deal with it... whatever happens, just remember to always carry contraceptive because you know he won't.

    "Yeah. I understand the mechanics of it, shithead. I just don't understand how this is any less retarded than what I'm suggesting." - Kiley; Housebound.
    ColeMacGrath liked this post
    (01-28-2016, 10:07 AM)sporkium Wrote:  
    (01-26-2016, 08:08 PM)bluestar922 Wrote:  #TLDR alert.

    forget the tldr alert... more like a sentence and paragraph structure alert.

    okay, what you are experiencing is called being a teenager. just deal with it... whatever happens, just remember to always carry contraceptive because you know he won't.

    LOL it's alright now, I'm searching for the next target. Thanks for the contraceptive advice - it's true that guys hardly do.

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