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  • Family Matters -- Literally
    I am upset with my mother.

    She is a typical Asian mom – although she is, what I considered a modern woman, her views can get extremely myopic and that’s the thing that pisses me off. Just this year alone, we had a lot of fights and squabbles, mostly over the decisions I made.

    Our first fight came because I chose to quit my job in the ministry. Ministry pays well, but I felt like I was losing my mind. I couldn’t enjoy things I used to do; my ex left me because I was working 24/7; I suffered a breakdown, and had to see a psychiatrist and a psychologist. Because of these, I decided to resign and took up another job, despite a 20% paycut. The 20% paycut stressed me out because it put me in a financial fix. I still have to give a pretty big portion of my pay to my parents, pay my school fees and bills and everyday expenditure. When I tried to explain to her that I’m in a financial fix, she blamed me for leaving a well-paying job, and for giving up the 5-year payout from the ministry due to early resignation and also for calling off my marriage with my ex (we were engaged to be married, and for the curious, my ex was drawing three times my pay, so we had a pretty comfortable life on combined income during our 4 years together).

    Then, I started dating again after a one-and-half year break. This new man was a school dropout (he left before finished high school) and had previously been charged for rioting with a dangerous weapon and possession of dangerous weapons. He was formerly in a streetgang, but had left that part of his life to make something out for himself. I accepted him for that, but my mother wasn’t happy. She didn’t like the fact that he came from a broken family. She didn’t like the fact that I am a graduate degree holder, and he had nothing. She didn’t like the fact that he dropped out of school. She just didn’t like anything about him. The relationship came to an end after 4 months, because he got violent with me (I got beaten up by him one afternoon), and because we couldn’t handle the pressures coming in from my family. When everything ended, she was happy, and told me I must never date anyone outside of my tax bracket, and if possible, I should be with someone who comes from the same kind of family as I did, preferably a Catholic, since that was the only way she would accept my conversion. (Yes, my conversion caused a huge drama with her too.)

    Now, I’m starting to date again – I met Charles online through a site for making friends. We took to each other quickly, and I really enjoy talking to him. He makes me laugh, and we can spend hours on the phone just talking. When my best friend got married, I was unhappy and he called me to check on me, but also gave me the space I need to mourn. Charles is a Catholic, and with him, I found my waning faith grow stronger. He is different from many other guys because he does not rush into things. He took things slowly, and took time before we met, because he knew both of us were not ready for a relationship. He wanted us to build a strong and solid friendship – one where we can turn to each other and trust completely – before building a relationship. He reminds me of the presence of God in my life, our lives – and taught me to trust. He respects me and my space, and one thing I really like about him is that he doesn't try to force himself on me. I had had abusive relationships in the past where I was pushed to the corner, and here's Charles telling me that he loves me for me, and not my body.

    Here’s the catch, however: Charles is non-Chinese. He is of mixed descent – Indian and European. When I broke the news to my mother, she obviously wasn’t happy that I was dating outside my race (I’m a Singaporean Chinese), and worse of all (in her books), a person with Indian blood. We argued about it, and I walked away because I am frustrated. I nearly wanted to give up, but Charles bore it patiently when he knew, and it pains me to know that he is being ‘attacked’ by my mother’s prejudice even before she knows him.

    I am colour blind; unfortunately, most of my family and extended family members are not. They can make a lot of culturally insensitive remarks. Right now, they are blaming me for bringing strife within the household and for ‘disrupting peace’. I am upset. I know I shouldn’t judge and criticize, least of all, one who is my own mother. But I couldn’t understand how she could be so prejudiced. I wish I could tell her that our prejudices and our biasedness are social constructs – they are taught and they take away human dignity. It annoys me when she told me I can make friends with people outside my race, but not to be too close or familiar (!!). I find this ridiculous and outrageous, and certainly, not something I'm proud of.

    I am ranting about this right now, because I don’t know where else to channel my anger and my frustration. I'm sorry if this is ridiculously long, but I just need to get it out of my chest.
    good one,SporkBig Grin
    snilloc liked this post
    (11-04-2013, 11:45 AM)srijantje Wrote:  good one,SporkBig Grin

    ...ya.. I saw it too...and other places maybe? Anyway. I've read this once...I'll come back later, read it again and absorb more of it... First thoughts are that the mom is a subservient Geisha type of thinker, while the poster is more into the new world ways of thinking...I'll have to think about it and come back.
    (This post was last modified: 11-04-2013, 01:48 PM by LZA.)
    When people post their stories everybody wonders what kind of advice or comment to give.. But maybe you just wanted to tell your story to somebody that didn't know you?
    (11-04-2013, 11:45 AM)srijantje Wrote:  good one,SporkBig Grin


    "Yeah. I understand the mechanics of it, shithead. I just don't understand how this is any less retarded than what I'm suggesting." - Kiley; Housebound.
    okay, voice of reason here:

    i like to consider myself to be a sort of expert on chinese mothers and let me tell you; the only thing worse than a chinese mother is a jewish mother (i also consider myself to be an expert on jewish mothers).

    there is only one option for you: run.

    move out. find a room mate... whatever. just get out. you'll notice that as soon as you no longer living with your parents, every day will seem a little bit brighter and you'll save a fortune on psychiatric care.

    as far as the guys go... don't commit to marriage just yet. you seem young, and you live with your parents so i can understand how you feel pressured into getting married as that is what you are being exposed to every day. once you are away from your family, you are gonna see things way different.

    now, i'm not saying you need to hook up with every guy, but you surely wouldn't buy the first car you popped into 2nd and you surely wouldn't sign the papers on a car that you haven't tested under a load. guys are no different.

    "Yeah. I understand the mechanics of it, shithead. I just don't understand how this is any less retarded than what I'm suggesting." - Kiley; Housebound.
    And what's wrong with Jewish mothers??
    (11-06-2013, 03:25 PM)Aish Wrote:  And what's wrong with Jewish mothers??


    They make the best chicken soup. Big Grin
    wrong thread
    (11-06-2013, 03:25 PM)Aish Wrote:  And what's wrong with Jewish mothers??

    Well, I used to have a Jewish mother-in-law.
    She was horrible towards me, and succeeded in destroying the marriage.
    Oy vey!

    Never underestimate the power of human stupidity.
    - Robert A. Heinlein
    Spud17 liked this post

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