Anxiety from searching for jobs/grad schemes

[ColeMacGrath]

Hello everyone, this isn't really a rant but I've been feeling really low and kind of wanted to share this.

So I'm a math student who's just finished his second year, going into his final year of his degree starting october. It seems like all my friends have found some sort of relevant work experience/internship over this summer except me. This initially caused me a lot of... anxiety I guess? but not the prescribed mental health kind, just general worry over not finding a job after I graduate. I've been pretty much applying to the best schemes looking for my degree, but honestly the whole process just makes me extremely anxious.

I've written a decent template for my CV and cover letter, I think I'm getting OK at adapting them, but whenever I talk to people about careers it always seems like I should be "doing research" and "finding out what interests me", but I've tried looking at various careers and honestly nothing interests me- I don't have any dreams or hobbies really, I do some sport to stay active and go out with friends, and it's hard to get "inspired" or whatever by a list of work you have to do to survive.

I've had some part time work experience- basically just part time grunt work to make enough money to socialise & save a little, and I'm fairly studious and kinda enjoy my degree subject, so it's not like I'm lazy; I have no idea why it causes me such distress to just throw myself at what feels like a brick wall of massive application forms over and over again.

I guess maybe because, although I've been out part-time job hunting before, every success has been because I know someone rather than the days I've spent dropping my CV everywhere, it just feels playing the numbers game with forms never works. Or maybe, because I'm applying to grad schemes, I just feel like I'm stretching my experience to try and meet the requirements when they're stuff like "knowledge of financial transactions" or when I have to write a cover letter and try and show some interest in whatever a particular company has done recently, I just feel like I'm trying to force my way into anywhere that will accept me, and perhaps subconsciously I'm thinking about all the other people who would be better qualified for a position. Everybody who knows me says I'm too hard on myself and I don't have any self esteem or whatever, but I don't really see the point of loving yourself or whatever when there is better people all around you.

It's not even like there's any real consequences for failure- my parents, although neither of them have been to university, are both really supportive and say I can stay after I graduate until I find a job, but the idea of being stuck at home in my mid 20s with no career would be the ultimate failure in my eyes, a burden on my aging parents with no direction in life.

But anyway, thanks to whoever read all the way through this for listening 

[wildcard]

Damn, that is a tough spot to be in. Sadly, I have zero experience with any of it, so no advice from me.

I do wish you luck, though.

Good to see you, again.

[LZA]

Me neither... I never went to college/university.

But I did get a job that required a degree without one, so If I can put your mind at ease I'll tell you that nothing is really set in stone, and if a dumb ass like me can do it, anyone can.

To me, you sell yourself in an interview. Even if you aren't confident, pretend you are. And I never had the BS of a CV, I only had a resume, which I "creatively worded" to get the truth to fit the circumstance. For example, I used MS word once, which I describe as "proficient in MS word"... You get what I'm saying. Can't advise on a CV since that seems much more involved.

I would put interest as whatever, weightlifting, reading (which is a lie), I can say I felt awkward about it since I thought it was all lame.

I think for resumes (CV's may be the same), is that they do want to see what you do, but more so, how you present yourself. I'm not telling you anything you don't know, but spelling, grammar, and BS are key. If it's on point it won't necessarily help or hurt, but if you fuck that shit up that's an automatic black eye... I was part of the hiring process, and I can overlook shit if the interview went well, even if the resume didn't match the job function exactly. I believe a majority of people have careers that have nothing to do with their degree anyway...

The issue I'm well aware of now, and I CAN'T speak on, is the hiring process (here in the US, anyway), is mostly online. so the paperwork is more important because it needs to get you noticed out of a pile of many other pieces of paper before you hit the door.

any advice I can give, trust yourself, do the best you can, make sure your shit is tight, then just go for it... You are young enough to fuck up and recover. Plus, once you start going on interviews you can get a skill for them... There were times I knew that the interview was just a process, and I was in no way getting the job. The 2nd to the last job I had, I had to apply 4 times since I was switching career paths and had no experience... So don;t give up. put the appropriate amount of thought to it all, but don't let it break you down...

[wildcard]

Since I see @ColeMacGrath online, I will go ahead and bump this.

How are things going, friend?

[ColeMacGrath]

Applied for a bunch more stuff, no luck yet. Can't shake this awful feeling yet, but I think it comes from some deep rooted issue with myself, so I'm getting counselling for it. Gonna try again when I go back to uni, hopefully some more ideas and opportunities strike me then.

[wildcard]

Applied for a bunch more stuff, no luck yet. Can't shake this awful feeling yet, but I think it comes from some deep rooted issue with myself, so I'm getting counselling for it. Gonna try again when I go back to uni, hopefully some more ideas and opportunities strike me then.

Well, good luck. I mean that sincerely.

I am old, so I am starting to feel like I have the right to give people advice, even if no one asked, but...

There are a shit ton of days in front of you. So many terrible and wonderful and ugly and beautiful things are in front of you. You just keep pounding the pavement and moving in any direction that is open to you until a door opens that has your name on it.

[ColeMacGrath]

It's not been great in all honesty, I was feeling really miserable, like I can't enjoy anything old or new, like without hope for a good future, and my girlfriend was 3 hours down the road doing an internship for a really big bank, and every day I'd get back, we'd ask how our days were, she'd tell me how great hers was, and I'd say I hadn't really done anything beyond hit the gym and maybe apply to something. I'd tell her how bad I was feeling sometimes and the next day it would be the same thing. I went up to visit her for a few days and on the penultimate one she broke up with me saying she couldn't handle it, she wanted to be friends and "support me."

Unfortunately every day after we'd finished work I'd message her and we'd go round in circles, she'd say about how breaking up was the right thing to do for both of us and how much happier she was after doing it, but also how much she cared and wanted to support me- seemed like a complete contradiction to me at the time, and I'd ask over and over why she did it, ask her if she was cheating, why she'd hurt me like this if she cared, if she ever did care. Worst thing was I was so miserable, guilt-ridden over what I'd said and how she felt, and unhopeful about everything else in my life, I even looked forwards to it, even though talking hurt her more, making her push me away which hurt me more. Every time I'd go back and apologize and try again, but the answer was always the same. Eventually she stopped responding, and there was no communucation for a month, until I reached out a final time. She basically said she didn't want to ever want to talk, she didn't think she'd ever forget what I'd said, and not going back felt like the right thing to do deep down.

So here I am another month later, and on the surface everything probably looks better- I'm seeing someone about my self-image problems/anxiety/depression/whatever, I've been hitting the gym so much that I'm probably one of the fittest people in my rowing club, bought a car and started driving, doing a ton of reading in my spare time, but inside, although it's no longer making me cry every day, it's still there, just a hollow feeling of dissatisfaction with my life, probably being in denial about how things might be different when I see my ex again. It's like I was pretending everything was ok before, and it made me feel better at the time, but now I've taken the red pill (cliche I know) and I can't go back to pretending anymore. I'm not drowning anymore, but I'm just treading water and I still can't see the land. And while that probably sounds like a good thing, it feels like "less bad" after all this stuff I've done just means it won't get much better than this.

[LZA]

Just an observation, but just because you think other's are further in life you should never compare yourself to them. There are/will always be those who you think are in a better position. What you think you see will grate on your nerves and think you are less than, and you will be so self-absorbed you won't think about the issues these people are going through... It's like you are putting them on imaginary pedestals.

MAybe (using my own experiences), your depression rubbed off on her, which is what caused her to do what she did...You are young, and relationships that end always hurt if you care for the person, but just take it as a life lesson and move on... My biggest issues is I tend to apply my thought process to others, so they must be as miserable as me. That could have put stress on her and she too, being young, couldn't see it.

Your self progressions are in the right direction. Something always happens eventually, and things that happen are not the end-all, so just keep moving forward. When you hit the end, you won't be around to dwell on it, so at least know you have the opportunity to progress. I've learned that life is about trying, doing everything you can. but knowing what is gonna happen will happen. It's not what happens but how you react. Getting help is a good decision. Different points of view from your own can be helpful.

Regardless, keep your head up and plug along.