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Why can't you just leave???
05-02-2017, 03:01 AM
Post: #1
Why can't you just leave???

So I have a friend who I love dearly but always (for lack of a better word please forgive my language) bitches about the same person. Now this has been going of for the entire duration of our entire friendship (which is a little over a year) and as much as I love her I'm quite frankly tired of hearing it over and over and over.
Now I realize that I am inclined to let things go on for a good while before I make an effort to say anything because I usually forget about things quickly and forgive very easily. But this is something that has been eating away at me for a good three weeks. First let me explain the person that my friend talks about so often and we'll call her GD.
GD admittedly is very overwhelming. She goes out of her way to let you know just how bad she feels all the time. There has never once been a conversation where she has not mentioned that she was depressed, suicidal, suffering from anxiety, and subtly leading you to the conclusion that she harms herself. Now I do admit to being an immense attention whore before I underwent a serious personality reconstruction that I forced on myself. So while I can't say for sure whether or not that Jane is actually going through any of this I definitely see a lot of my old traits in her such as being loose lipped when it comes to talking about depression, being very compliant in showing people self harm marks, or telling everyone about how sad and depressed she feels. Now I hate my past self with my entire being (that part of my life is about 20,000,000% regret) so naturally when I find someone who acts in the same way some of those emotions transfer to them. So I completely understand why my friend (who we'll call EM) would have so much resentment towards GD.
What I don't understand is why she can't leave the God forsaken mess of a friendship. Can you even call it a friendship when the two people appear to completely hate each other yet proceed to act like their best friends when they're around each other?
EM I know is going through some challenges herself. But if you dislike the person then don't be their friend because it's just ridiculous and your hurting yourself. I don't know if she realizes it but she stresses everyone around her out when she talks about GD, please for the love of God grow up and separate yourself from this toxic leech in your life or shut up about it and deal with it because there is literally no one but you stopping you from leaving that friendship. I get that they've been friends for a long time but you aren't the only one affected by your relationship. It's almost like she's addicted to hate and thus enjoys sticking around GD. It is so tiring to hear EM talk about GD because at this point it's just selfish to stress everyone out just because she can't drop the toxicity in her life. To put it more bluntly either grow up or shut up.
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06-20-2017, 05:16 AM (This post was last modified: 06-20-2017 05:32 AM by Duckling96.)
Post: #2
RE: Why can't you just leave???
(05-02-2017 03:01 AM)stalememes Wrote:  

So I have a friend who I love dearly but always (for lack of a better word please forgive my language) bitches about the same person. Now this has been going of for the entire duration of our entire friendship (which is a little over a year) and as much as I love her I'm quite frankly tired of hearing it over and over and over.
Now I realize that I am inclined to let things go on for a good while before I make an effort to say anything because I usually forget about things quickly and forgive very easily. But this is something that has been eating away at me for a good three weeks. First let me explain the person that my friend talks about so often and we'll call her GD.
GD admittedly is very overwhelming. She goes out of her way to let you know just how bad she feels all the time. There has never once been a conversation where she has not mentioned that she was depressed, suicidal, suffering from anxiety, and subtly leading you to the conclusion that she harms herself. Now I do admit to being an immense attention whore before I underwent a serious personality reconstruction that I forced on myself. So while I can't say for sure whether or not that Jane is actually going through any of this I definitely see a lot of my old traits in her such as being loose lipped when it comes to talking about depression, being very compliant in showing people self harm marks, or telling everyone about how sad and depressed she feels. Now I hate my past self with my entire being (that part of my life is about 20,000,000% regret) so naturally when I find someone who acts in the same way some of those emotions transfer to them. So I completely understand why my friend (who we'll call EM) would have so much resentment towards GD.
What I don't understand is why she can't leave the God forsaken mess of a friendship. Can you even call it a friendship when the two people appear to completely hate each other yet proceed to act like their best friends when they're around each other?
EM I know is going through some challenges herself. But if you dislike the person then don't be their friend because it's just ridiculous and your hurting yourself. I don't know if she realizes it but she stresses everyone around her out when she talks about GD, please for the love of God grow up and separate yourself from this toxic leech in your life or shut up about it and deal with it because there is literally no one but you stopping you from leaving that friendship. I get that they've been friends for a long time but you aren't the only one affected by your relationship. It's almost like she's addicted to hate and thus enjoys sticking around GD. It is so tiring to hear EM talk about GD because at this point it's just selfish to stress everyone out just because she can't drop the toxicity in her life. To put it more bluntly either grow up or shut up.

I agree with you, your friend EM should cut off her ties towards GD if she doesn't like her anymore, cause the main thing is that you might feel resentment towards EM in the long run, if she rants about GD to you many times and you are forced to spend time on talking about GD who isn't even your friend. I have a similar situation but it's my best friend, so it's a bit tricky.


I have a best friend in real life whom I've known since I was about 7 years old, we weren't best friends when we were younger but became that from the age 11 and onwards. I love her dearly but we have become very different persons over time. I'm in a similar situation with my friend. I used to always be depressed and that would normally mean that I would behave like your friend, repeating the same things over and over. I've gone to therapy for 3 years now and I still need it due to my family situation at home. I go to therapy every other week, because I now that I need a professional to hear about my rants, as that would be too consuming for a friend to hear about everyday and to be frank that isn't fair to rant so much to a friend.

My best friend lost her mother last year, her mother was a good friend of mine as well and that affected me as well and I couldn't focus on my studies (basically last year was a shit year for me in many ways). The only good thing that happened is that I met my current boyfriend, lord knows I would be a nutcase without one normal person around me. I love my best friend C dearly, but last year was a bit of a shit year for me, my medschool studies went to hell - I became sucidal and then her mother died when I resumed my studies (not on medschool). Consequently my studies went to shit obviously because I wasn't feeling well either, but I knew that she was feeling much worse, at it was her mother that passed away and I know that she needed to talk to me as I understand her in many ways.

I'm a very forgiving person and sometimes too kind for my own sake, and when I look back about my past I regret most things. Note that I'm in my early 20s.

This year has gone by so quickly, I finished my physics course and maths course. Right now I'm studying chemistry (last course before applying to medschool for fall 2018) and to be frank I suck at Chemistry due to my first teacher not going through the most essential parts in the first course. I'm pretty sure I won't pass my chemistry test tomorrow.

Recently I've been starting to feel resentment towards her. Whenever she calls me randomly so that she can talk to me for about 2 hours, she writes to me and asks me if I'm home. If I'm home she calls me and cries, she talks about how stressful work is and about the death of her mother. Last time she called me, was the same day that I had talked to my therapist about my own problems. (you can read about my problems lower down if that interests you) She was talking about how she was sad that a coworker had said that "well considering how you feel I'm surprised that you aren't on meds", obviously that was a shitty thing to say of her coworker but a comment I would expect for a 20-something working at Macdonalds. The reason my friend C took offence is that apparently you are labeled as a mental nutcase, if you are on antidepressants or any meds for any mental illness. She basically said that "I don't want to be labeled like that, taking meds and going to a therapist", unfortuneatly she was pretty offensive towards me, considering that I'm doing just that to improve myself mentally.

I told her that it's normal to grieve during a long time and that she should look into applying for a less stressful job. The last tip that I gave her was that thoughts about going to therapy and taking medicine for depression/anxiety, isn't any person's business except hers and their opinions shouldn't matter to her, that she needs to put her well-being first. I told her that she should definitely try therapy, and see if it's something for her as it could improve her overall well-being if she doesn't want to take medicine towards anxiety. At the end of the convo, she says that she will see if she still needs therapy after her vacation and then MAYBE try therapy/cognititve thearpy. I told her that cognitive therapy might help her regarding her negative thoughts about the past, she feels guilt that her mother died so young because she moved to another country and that maybe if her parents hadn't divorced that her mother would have still been alive. I told her that it's normal to feel guilt that a parent has passed away, but to dwell in the past won't ever make you happy in the present and that it's sad that she feels guilt about her mother's death. I told her that her mother was glad that she had found a partner to settle down with and that her mother wouldn't blame her death on anyone.

When I hung up the phone I felt a tinge of resentment towards her for spending time on her problems, during the most busiest week on my last important course before medschool, because I was giving her good advice and she wasn't taking it. She also did this during my physics course the day before my important test and it is tiring. It got me worried that maybe she will do this more times and use me as a therapist, call me on random times - instead of taking professional help from a real therapist. I mean I have issues myself and I'm not a professional therapist.

I can't help to feel a tinge of resentment towards her and I hate myself more for it. My best friend knows that my home environment isn't the best place to live in and that I'm going through a lot of things myself.

My problems:
I basically live in a household where my parents have actively contributed to my siblings mental illnesses, stuff that could have been avoided if my mom divorced my biological psycopath narcisstic "dad" (the stuff he has done would have definitely made him stay in jail for at least 15 years in the US). My oldest sibling has bipolar disorder and she believes that me and my youngest sister are spoiled to the core. She believes that I have no issues just because my mother managed to put me in a good school and because I went to a "elite upper secondary school". Note that I got accepted to that school because of my grades, not because my mom wanted me to study there. She thinks that I compare myself to other girls too much, but she is the same person that compared herselves towards other girls and she had plastic surgery when I was in upper secondary school. I was 16 years old when she had her first procedure done. She thinks that just because I look a certain way that I never had problems like feeling ugly on a day to day basis, but I've been bullied for my appearance and I have BDD. The main reason she feels resentment towards me is that she knows that she owes A LOT of money to me, and she can't keep a single job because she always have execuses and I know I won't ever get my money back. The horrible part is that if I wasn't forced to borrow out so much money to her I could still be at medschool, but my mum is a single parent and it's my own fault for borrowing out money to my sister. But it's hard not to if the person is verbally and mentally abusive towards you if you don't borrow out money to her.

Most days I feel like jumping out of the window cause that would have guaranteed death so I wouldn't have to deal with my family anymore, the only person I'm alive for is my boyfriend, but I'm afraid that if he doesn't manage to get an apartment soon (so I don't have to deal with my family), that I'm going to be as mentally instable as I was before.
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