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Unsure
09-07-2016, 09:27 AM
Post: #1
Unsure
I feel helpless and alone and gone. Like I'm already dead. Just going through the motions like... Nothing. I don't even know what to do with myself ever again. It's like, I want to die but I want to live. So now I'm stuck in this place of constantly fighting myself on every damn decision and seeing what the outcome is. I won't be able to do this for long. There will come a time when I break. I'm almost to that point. And I don't know what to even do anymore. Like... I need help but I don't want it at all. I want to be able to solve it on my own but I never can. I thought I was down with all this shit but I'm not and its still all there inside of me. Haunting my every fucking day and night. I feel lost and utterly hopeless. Just... I haven't ever been more lonely and alone than now.

Even as I write this I am surrounded by friends and I still want to throw myself from a fucking cliff so I don't have to be a burden on people or fight with my best friend.

I like my friends and all but I wonder why I am with them a lot. My life has gone downhill, drug and alcohol wise, since I meet them and I don't like it. It's corruption. I do not advocate what they are doing and I don't know what I'm doing anymore with them. I don't know anymore.

I just am such a fucking dumbass and I want to change who I am. But in order to do that I need to take my life and give it back to whoever or whatever gave it to me in the first place.

People may say this is a plea for help but it ain't. This is the end of my rope. My wick has burned to the end. I'm a dead man walking. A fucking time bomb just waiting to explode.

I feel like I'm a husk of who I once was. The old me was happy. Truly happy. Now I'm stuck. Wanting to die. Fighting myself every night. Struggling to stay alive. Only finding solace in my sleep and wishing I could never wake up. All honesty? I wish I could dream forever. I'm always the happy me in my dreams. Always smiling and with the people I love and none of the bad or evil thoughts get in. I just want to go back to that me. I want it... But I also want to end it now. Knowing this will be a lifelong battle that I don't wanna deal with at all.
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09-07-2016, 03:42 PM
Post: #2
RE: Unsure
It sucks that you feel that way, but it is kind of hard to encourage you when you really haven't told us why you feel so shitty. You hinted of drugs and alcohol problems, but when I do drugs they make me happier (at least for the moment).

What exactly has gotten you down and out?

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09-07-2016, 06:16 PM
Post: #3
RE: Unsure
Yes, do tell. Its kinda hard to help when everything is all wishy-washy.
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09-09-2016, 08:29 AM
Post: #4
RE: Unsure
If you're suffering from depression, accept it and move on with it. What I mean is that once you've suffered a bout of serious, long term depression, your thinking is changed for good and your perception will be permanently altered. If you can accept the depression as being part of you, you may be able to move on. Many people want to go back to how things used to be for them, even their old ways of thinking, but the past is the past.

If you feel you're stuck in a cycle of negative thinking, then you need to take action now to escape it. Say for example that fighting with your friend upsets you to the point where you start blaming yourself, which in turn leads to you feeling utterly helpless and useless, which in turn leads you to think that everything is futile and what's the point in bothering, then it's time to break the cycle. Write down the particulars of your cycle and learn how to spot the signs that you're heading round in a circle again.

A friend of mine went through a similar experience. The smallest worry would play in her head over and over again until she went round a cycle of negative thinking and negative behaviour (she would cut herself to the point where she needed to be hospitalised). She sat down one day and listed all her worries and insecurities, and what caused them. Once she'd done that, she was able to recognise when she was dragging herself down and on the road to self harm. A few times it didn't work, but most times she was able to see that something insignificant was making her truly miserable and was able to esacpe the cycle.

My friend incidently, has had a truly testing life. Her son died in a hospital while waiting for a transplant and the staff didn't even notice he was dead until the next day. Then her husband left her. Sometime after that, her daughter commited suicide, and even her cat ran away, so she left with no one - that was her whole family gone in the space of 2 years.

Whatever your problems are, deal with them now before things deteriorate to the point where you may possibly consider ending your life. The fact that you've posted this thread tells me that deep down, the stronger part of yourself is fighting to crack on. There's a saying here that if we don't crack on, we crack up, and I would suggest that you extend your social circle to include other people whose lives are completely different to your own - people who aren't on drugs, don't have the same interests as you, aren't even in the same age group etc, because it may help you put your problems in perspective. If you don't know where to start, or how to make new friends, consider doing some voluntary work at a homeless shelter or a local community centre. Meeting new people and seeing their problems may help you with yours.

"everyone wants to win but no one wants to drink a bucket of sj's piss" - bob5695
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09-10-2016, 06:07 PM
Post: #5
RE: Unsure
@Spud17 Good suggestions...I really like the last paragraph. I think this would work for anyone, depressed or not.
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