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Our first fight.
#1


I am a mess. I know I have a dozen and one issues, I'm complicated and majority if not all is my fault... But today we had our first fight and I need somewhere to rant because right now I have nowhere else to turn.

Things you need to know before I start/ Things I just want to get off my chest:
▪ My current boyfriend and I have not been dating long at all
▪But we went to the same secondary school (it's a British thing)
▪ He lived on the road behind my flat (at the time)
▪ We was quite close friends but...
▪ I just like to get close to guys who live near me / constantly have close proximity to me.
(I know, I said it earlier... I have issues)
▪ I remember that I stopped talking to him because he was getting too close for my liking.
▪ He said it's because he told me he loved me and I literally laughed in his face.
In my defence I probably thought it was a joke cos I don't remember that happening at all.
(Poor guy, and that wouldn't be the first time something like that has happened to me)
Anyway...
▪ I didn't know this at the time but he had never had a girlfriend
▪ Before me he was a virgin. (This I was aware of)
▪ Fast forward to 2017, years later I walk into the bar he was working in at the time
▪ I was a little drunk on my 3rd bar that day, bar hopping, we started early.
▪ I left my (favourite) cardigan at he's work and he found it and returned it to me in exchange for dinner and a few drinks...
▪ I may or may not be an alcoholic. It depends on your definition of being an alcoholic lol
▪ A few drinks/dates later he asks my pretty drunk face to be his girlfriend
▪ I say yes and took his virginity that night.

I know that just from all that that there's a lot you could say about me and I won't even try to deny it but we've all got our flaws and we've all been through shit and the day that I saw him again, my closest girl friend was taking me out to try and get over the bs of an ex fiancè I was still quite upset about (as well as distract her from her own problems). My ex was my best friend for over 6 years who finally decided he was tired of seeing other guys fail at trying to make me happy. Anyway so me and "My Slovakian Boy" are happily dating. We get on well, he a makes me laugh, he says I make him happy but it isn't that crazy, stupid love like I've felt before but after everything I've been through, I am content in this relationship, kids and marriage is definitely not on my mind (yet) but we'll see where it goes. Not that he has brought it up. We haven't even said the 'L' word yet and the one time he wanted to I told him not to... because I'm just not ready to say it back even though I've wanted to a few times. I want to be able to say it back when he tells me that he loves me for this first time. Forgive me for being such a clichè ok.

He's parents hated me at first. Said I was the kind of girl that could get any guy and that I as just gonna hurt him... Ok I didn't expect things to happen the way that it did but I got into this relationship because I know that he could make me happy, that be would be faithful and treat me better than the poor choice of boys I had been dating before him. I'm not the kind of girl to get into relationships with any bad intentions. I'm a firm believer in being happy, for myself and for those around me, fuck it, for everyone in the world. Peace not war!! But he's family are going through this thing with their eldest son moving on for the first time to live with a girl and we all say it's because they don't want to loose their two boys to them growing up blah, blah, blah. This kinda made us stronger but I can't tell my parents and my friends about him because my parents are very religous and he needs to join the church beforenwe can dste without them (my parents) getting any repercussions for it. See I we both live with out parents and they're lively people but like I said everyone has flaws and wave all been through shit. Moving on. Me and his parents are cool now. I don't stay in his room till late anymore, if I even go up there, I make an effort to dress more appropriate bearing in mind we met through a hot summer in London and I'm just liberal and free like that lol. The cold winter helps ? but anyway as a result we don't get to alone time so much, especially now that I'm working and sleeping wall these stupid hours plus my active social life.

The other day was he's mother's birthday and i finished work early so I came over with some beautiful flowers and we all had dinner and a few drinks, watched a few films. It was just his parents, his brother and his girlfriend, me and my boyfriend. There was loads of food and drinks and cake and despite what people believe about my alcoholic behaviour I can not for the life of me keep up with any of them. I don't really like whisky so to be drinking it straight all night would leave me with my head hanging over a toilet bowl within an hour ?. Anyway My Slovakian Boy was drunk by the time I wanted to call it a night. I normally travel by train to and from his housetoo which isn't exactly far but isn't near me either. Neither of us drive and we both work stupid hours and have to take the train early hours of the morning sometimes because of it but he always does the gentleman thing and walks me to thr station on my way home. But that day he stumbled out of the house, on to the road and refuse he have to stumble home alone from the station when he can barely walk down the road without my help. It was barely a few steps when I turned around and dragged and argued with him to go stay and home. "I'm s a big girl, I've done this plenty of times. I'll be just fine. You can stay on the phone to me while I walk so you know I'm ok but you are not walking me to the station when you can barely even walk." "But I'm fine babe (said every drunk person) I don't want you walking on your own. I want to know your safe." He's a sweetheart bless his soul for that but he was being so annoying and before I left he was "whispering" to me in front of everyone, asking me to go upstairs to his room. Not cool, especially with how his parents think of me already. But he's drunk and we all do stupid things when we're drunk right. The next mornig morning he told me he doesn't remember being on the phone to me while I walked to the station, that he passed out as soon as I got him back home. No biggy right. A little embarrassing for the both of us but whatever. I shared my concern with him getting that drunk when his not home or around me or his family and he understood. You see I drink a lot maybe but I mostly hang out with my girls who I trust with my life and we all take turns to look after each other and my brother and his friends which are also my friends too. I've been young and reckless but now I'd like to think I'm a little smarter. All I did was express my concern and my embarrassment with his "whispering" and persistenceto get me to his room and walk me to the station.... He apologised and said he understood and we left at that... Until today.

I brought it up over text because he was out drinking and although I made the trip to see him and stayed for one drink, he was drunk and in deny about how drunk he was again but he kept on bringing up alone time. He wanted me to come over before I started work in the evening for some alone time, knowing how nocturnal I am and that I'll probably wake up with enough time to make food, shower and make my way to work. Yet alone the trip to his and back and the time I'll have to spend there, it wouldn't just be a hit and run. I'm not making the trip just for that. He's now drunk, annoyed and frustrated, stumbling home with a 30min walk ahead of him. Of course I'm worried, of course I'm annoyed and frustrated too but for completely different reasons to him... Can we worry about the next time we'll have sex once you're home and safe please.

So I brought up that night and he gets more mad and brings up the other night, the first night we slept in the same bed together for the while night. I was house sitting for a close friend who was on holiday. I basically have my own room there. For years I've always had the keys and has always been welcome there but it's mainly because everyone basically lives in the Philippines and is barely in the country. So I house sit and the other night he decides he wants to stay with me the night because he was working near me that day and the day after and of course I agreed. I was a little hesitant, I asked if he was sure and I snore like a fucking dying gorilla which he has heard the few times I've knocked on him cos I was so tired. But hey, if that's what he wanted to do then cool. He picked me up from work with a bottle of whisky for himself and a large bottle of rum for me (and apparently the whole road) but I appreciate the gesture and a few drinks/movies in I was falling asleep without and sexy time. Sorry not sorry. But I kept waking up conscious that he was there and that I snore bad and that he wasn't ready for sleep yet. At one point we started making out, that I remember, then he asked me if I was sure, that I remember and I assume was referring to sex. I remember that I agreed but that's all I remember. Tbh he's my boyfriend and weather or not I do or don't remember it I'm fine because he's my boyfriend so when he asked me the next day if I remember having sex I lied and said yes. What shocked the both of us is when I told him to fuck off, grabbed my duvet and moved from the sofa to my bed... during sex. LMAO

So yes, you read that right. Right in the middle of sex I pushed him off, told him to fuck off and went to bed. He said he was so confused, he finished his bottle and came to bed 2hours later. ? Damn. I would be as shocked as him but I laughed it off because I was drunk and apart from telling him to fuck off I kinda think it's funny and sweet. Sweet because we've never slept the whole night together and subconsciously and in my drunk state I was trying to save or protect myself. Let's say he wasnt my boyfriend and I was not careful enough and got myself that drunk... Apart from the fact it was already mid-sexing, I had just told this guy to fuck off and went to bed. Call me crazy but I'm actually quite proud of my subconscious me ?.

We haven't actually talked about either of those nights since but when I brought up his mother's birthday he got really upset and brought up that night and he was very angry and very upset... He used the words "how dare you". Personally I don't like arguments and fights so since he's drunk (and finally home) I told him I'll speak to him tomorrow. I'm not sure what I'm going to say and it's 5:30am now and I'm finally feeling sleepy. I've mentioned everything I wanted to get off my chest and I'd appreciate an opinion as I can't talk to anyone about this due to the circumstances. I'd also like to apologise for any terrible spelling or grammar (or English in general lol) but also for the lengthy post and I hope it hasn't dishearten anyone from reading this. Criticism is also welcome.

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