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Poll: Am I crazy
yes you are, get over it. you made a mistake and you can't change it. so move on and forget.
no you're not. if i was in your shoes i'd be upset too. you had a nice smile, and you made yourself ugly. in this society, ugliness can affect your life greatly.
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FMLFMLFMLFMLFML I HATE MYSELF AND MY LOOK
09-06-2016, 01:37 AM
Post: #1
FMLFMLFMLFMLFML I HATE MYSELF AND MY LOOK
THIS IS GOING TO BE A LONG POST. (and occasionally when I have my crazy episodes I'll go on here).
so i'm a college student right now, but about three years ago I MADE THE WORST FUCKING MISTAKE OF MY LIFE and unfortunately i haven't been able to move on.

So basically looking back high school sucked. Not in the sense of academics (I was/am smart), but in the sense in my friend group we started drifting, but I was scared of breaking status quo so I stayed. Not only that, but sometimes I felt very alone (in classes and at lunch.) Not only that, but family issues. PARENTS ALWAYS FIGHTING. Just all sort of normal shitty stuff in hs. Usually I have been able to be positive and be happy and put on a smile. But the breaking point I guess was in January of 2014. I got braces.

Now, this may not sound like anything bad, but since then LIFE HAS BEEN DOWN HILL. It really has, or at least it feels that way. (Oh I forgot, to add to the list of bad stuff: I have a twin sister. Guess what that means? Yes lots of love, but also endless comparisons!!) So anyways, back then I was such a brat. I had a beautiful smile (KEY WORD: HAD). Anyways, my mom was telling me you don't need it. But do I listen? NO. STUPID FUCKING ME.

Looking back, I didn't need braces at all. Yes there was slight crookedness and yes I didn't have perfectly straight teeth. But damn, I had a pleasing aesthetic smile. A unique "me" kind of smile. After braces, way too perfectly straight Hollywood. Of course I went crazy. I felt I lost my old teeth. My mom (Smart mother once again, did I listen? HELL NO) told me you can't go back in time and not get braces, so wear the retainer. Anyways by this time I realized my grave mistake of getting braces, I was determined to get my old teeth back. (MORE ON THIS LATER). Each day was a battle, I'd whine and cry and say OH GOD, why did I get braces? My mom would have to plead and eventually I'd listen and wear my retainer. Anyways, some days were better than others. Some days I'd just wear my retainer. Other days, it'd be a crazy battle.

Anyways, my first year of college started. But instead of living in the moment and enjoying the learning, new friends, exciting places, exciting things....the only fucking thing I could think of was my teeth. I was so obsessed. I was/am majoring in a science major, and I'd get really good grades on midterms/finals. But instead of being happy all I could think about was my....teeth, teeth, and teeth. My poor roommates. I complained and complained and complained. I went to a counselor to talk about my teeth issues, and when I visited home I whined and whined about my teeth. But since I was now in college w/o my mom to hassle me to wear my retainer, guess whose's deluded mind convinced them if they didn't wear their retainer their teeth would go back to "pre-braces" state. YUP ME. So I started not wearing my retainer. My sick messed up mind was so happy in the first one or two weeks. Then after about two months, I noticed something horribly wrong with my teeth. (DUH, If you don't wear your retainer shit happens. But of course I ignored the signs). So I made the decision to wear my retainer in December 2015.

By now I realized and my family did too, I had a serious mental issue about my teeth. Now on to why. Looking bad, I internalized bad emotions and blamed myself for lots of things. During the time I bugged my mom to get braces, was when I felt a close friend of mine was drifting from me to this another girl named X. And instead of realizing sometimes friendships end, I decided to blame it on my teeth! (STUPID ME STUPID ME) (I already have a history of blaming myself. When I felt alone and bad shitty things were happening in 8th grade of middle school, I got an eating disorder - anorexia nervosa. But that is sort of reversible since I went to a doctor and just ate and ate and ate and ate. and gained back all the weight. Sadly with braces, it is not irreversible.) so anyways, I blamed myself and said "oh I am feeling sad and lonely b/c I'm not good enough, more specifically my teeth aren't perfect enough. (EVEN THOUGH THEY WERE.) So I kept on asking my mom. Oh, and I just remembered also bad memories since I felt unloved and inferior compared with my older twin sister. She got her driving license first, she got a brand new family car (she made it seem like she owned it), and she was such a fucking bitchy driver. Always making a huge deal when she had to drive me everywhere. Plus she got a smart phone whereas I had a basic phone. See why I felt inferior and unloved? This also drove me to do braces... so I had something that she didn't have. In addition, in senior year of high school I became suicidal because of all these negative feelings, and I think I felt like such damaged goods after the depressing senior year. And I felt as though everyone could see how broken I was by looking at my teeth and seeing how messed up they were/are.

Anyways, so I had been wearing my retainer since Dec. 2015. My gosh, in the two months that I didn't wear my retainer, my teeth had shifted so much. I constantly took pictures and documented it. Unfortunately, in that time, I had now another issues... I had wrinkles. It was obvious and I know I was not imagining it. Lines in the nasolabial folds. THIS FUCKING SUCKS. My whole life I felt as though my dad didn't love me (only my older twin sister), but at least I was always younger looking and had a nice smile. Now God took away my nice smile and young looks. I found out the hard way that if you don't wear a retainer, your teeth will start slipping, and then your face starts melting off. Anyways, people now commented on my older sister, "Wow you look so young for your age..." Saying nothing with me, which I can see why. Subjectively in older pictures (BEFORE BRACES), I always looked young and had a hella more face fat. But now.. well let's not talk about it.

So I'm just wearing my retainer. This whole time, it's so hard to genuinely smile and be in the moment. But I try I really do. Recently another problem popped up. GUM RECESSION. I have now fucking gaps in my teeth (My teeth were always healthy Sad) and now I don't know what to do. I really don't. I miss my old self from three years ago, so happy...so full of life... so smilely. Now I'm ugly, old, depressed. Oh God, why did you let this happen to me?

Sometimes I have episodes, like today. I go crazy shouting crazily why did I get braces, why? I wish I could have waited to college...seeing all these happy people with crooked teeth... realizing looks has nothing to do with happiness. I never really cared much about looks until braces. I mean yes somedays I got acne or thought I had a big nose. But never to the extent of what I do now. Constantly looking at mirrors, analyzing my features, feeling ugly. GOSH WHY THE FUCK DO I FEEL SO UGLY. After braces, I have just felt so ugly and never beautiful. NEVER. sigh.

And the sad thing is I'm scared I'm never going to get over it. I've never been in a relationship (I'm 19), though I've had lots of people like me and ask me out. Now I'm scared that no one could ever like/love me since I'm so damaged and broken. And who wants broken goods?

I know I can't blame anything on braces. But ever since then, I just feel as though I'm so inadequate, so hideous, so undeserving of love, good grades, money, affection, and successful. I abused my mouth, forcing it through metal wires... then I didn't wear my retainer... (more abuse)... and so now gum recession and gaps in my teeth. At crossroads since I don't know what I want to do.

Oh and also I hate my orthodontist. I feel as though if he really wanted to he could have stopped me from having braces. This is b/c in my depressed state no way would I have removed four good teeth (not wisdom teeth). It wasn't till lots of months in to the treatment he said, Oh you need to remove four good teeth to get perfectly straight teeth. I said hell no. Okay fine I didn't say the "hell" but I said heck no. But during the consultation he never said anything about extractions. FISHY CROOKED MAN. All he wanted was my parent's money.

Anyways, I feel so much better after ranting. And I know teeth can't make my happy. I just hope one day I can really love myself. Yes I may not be as young looking and pretty three years ago (well in three years you have to age though I aged prematurely through stress of my teeth/past, as well as not wearing my retainer. Regrets since after getting braces I should have just worn the damn retainer... but I didn't. So now my teeth are just...yeah ugly as fuck.) And fine after braces it wasn't that bad. Yes they weren't different, but they weren't ugly. Now they are ugly as fuck and I feel as there's nothing I can do about it. WHY DIDN"T I LISTEN TO MY MOM Sad

Anyways, now I have really low self esteem and confidence b/c I feel ugly (teeth). I feel as though my older twin sister is way prettier and better than me. I feel worthless b/c of my irreversible mistakes (1. getting braces 2. not wearing my retainer). So yeah, fml and life sucks.

I know I shouldn't care about looks but I do. Since, I'm not comparing myself with actresses or models, but with my past self. But I know I shouldn't waste energy on caring about things I can't change, but wtf do I do anyways? SIGH

I JUST WANT TO LOVE MYSELF. IS THIS POSSIBLE, IDK IDK. I want to think I'm beautiful and just smile with ease. Smile without the uncomfortable feeling of thinking my smile and teeth are too ugly.

Oh God please help me. And everyone who actually read this long post, please keep me in your thoughts/prayers. And if you're atheist (which is fine) thank you for keeping me company and reading this super long post.

LOVE ALWAYS,
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02-06-2017, 08:19 PM
Post: #2
RE: FMLFMLFMLFMLFML I HATE MYSELF AND MY LOOK
seems like you're in the wrong place for this kind of rant. this seems more like a self pity plea than a public rant.

i flyeth all day while thee caterwauling all day, as i the horror on all thy desires and dreams.
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