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Asian mommy issues
11-02-2016, 10:08 PM (This post was last modified: 11-02-2016 10:40 PM by Snowsky.)
Post: #1
Asian mommy issues
Short background: I am a second generation Asian-American college student, the child of Asian immigrants. I was born and grew up in the United States.

Being part of two cultures, you would think I would have a deep appreciation for both. I do not. In fact, I deeply loathe traditional Asian culture and society. I am not the least bit proud of where I came from, and I will most likely not marry another Asian. If I do, any children we have will not be raised the traditional Asian way, forced to get all A's in school and become a doctor or lawyer.

Most Asian cultures have a "group over individual" mentality. Basically, this translates to: Individuals matter very little in a group. The goal is for a population/family/group to be as homogeneous as possible. This means you are supposed to think, talk, and act like everyone else for the most part. Standing out makes you a weirdo or an outcast.

Because of this, my parents are obsessed with being "normal", which means they want me to be "normal" and "realistic", too, the same as everyone else. But growing up in the US, I was taught to value individuality and find my own way of doing things, to stand out and be unique. I like that. I don't want to be identical to millions, just another forgettable face in the crowd. I like attention, I like it when people see me as myself instead of just another Asian / another student / another [insert generic identifier here].

Whenever I do something even remotely weird, like pretend a fantasy universe like Game of Thrones is real for the sake of an argument (ex. "If Daenerys is immune to fire, can she drink boiling water?") my mom freaks out. She thinks I actually, genuinely believe these fantasy things are real, and that if I say these things in public I will be immediately shipped off to a mental institution. I adore fantasy and fiction, but my mom thinks it's a sign that I'm "not realistic enough". She thinks if I get a 4 year science degree in college, I'll stop enjoying these things and be "more realistic". I'm not going to give her that satisfaction.

On a more serious note, my mom is a super math genius and thinks I should be one, too. I'm not. I'm better with words than numbers: English, reading, writing, etc. I'm not horrible at math, but I have a bad memory for it and find certain concepts difficult to memorize or grasp, and it's worse if I have a bad teacher like I do right now in college.

All through elementary, middle and high school, my mom would insist on going over my math homework with me, and if I didn't "get" something, she'd get more and more frustrated until she was screaming insults at me. "Why are you so dumb/stupid/retarded? Why can't you do this? Why don't you get it? You're junk! You're trash! You're a waste! Don't go to college! You'll waste my money!" The earliest I remember this happening was second grade. When I was seven or eight.

The worst part? She never apologized, ever. Whenever I accused her of yelling or insulting me the next day, she'd say I made it up, that I was overreacting, that she didn't do it, that my ears were too sensitive, that I should have done my homework better or been smarter and then she wouldn't have had to say these things. I think that she believed apologizing would make her look weak or a pushover parent. Of course, in Asian culture, parents are always right all the time and the definitive authority on everything, so I think that mentality allowed her to believe she was always right.

As you can imagine, because of that, my self-esteem is not very high. I internalized these comments, and now whenever I screw up at something (even if it has nothing to do with math), I hear her voice in my head telling me I'm a waste and a failure, that I'm not smart enough for college.

Speaking of college, when I was in high school, of course my parents wanted me to go to college, but my mom also said, "Of course, you can always stay home and live with us and get a job." She was giving me another option, but she said it like it was a shameful thing to do. It was more like she was saying, "If you're not smart enough for college, you can always stay home." Gee, thanks for the encouragement, Mommy.

I applied and got into a prestigious college. Long story short, I'm currently screwing up in math. Who am I gonna tell? Not my parents.

I'm trying really hard, I am, I'm studying and doing the homework and going to every single class and taking notes and doing everything I can do, but it's not working. They wouldn't be the least bit understanding or sympathetic, because to them, working hard, putting in a lot of effort, and doing your best doesn't matter if you fail. You're either a genius or an idiot. And if I told them the problems I'm having right now, I would be in the latter category.

Instead of sympathizing, they would think I'm ungrateful, that I don't appreciate how hard they've worked to get me into college, that I'm just lazy and stupid.

In Asia, only smart children deserve love.

A few months ago, I read an article about a young Asian woman named Jennifer Pan, who tried to kill her parents (and successfully killed her mother) after being pressured, browbeaten, and forced to live up to their expectations her entire life. While I disagree with her actions and would never do the same to my own parents, I can understand what drove her to do what she did.

TL;DR - Fuck Asian culture. Fuck being the perfect child. Fuck perfection. Fuck math. Fuck everything.
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11-02-2016, 10:12 PM
Post: #2
RE: Asian mommy issues
living up to your parents wishes is the most fucked up thing I can think of[not possible anyway,it's never good enough]

consistency is the hobdob
of small minds[
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11-04-2016, 09:55 AM
Post: #3
RE: Asian mommy issues
*first generation

"Yeah. I understand the mechanics of it, shithead. I just don't understand how this is any less retarded than what I'm suggesting." - Kiley; Housebound.
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11-04-2016, 02:19 PM
Post: #4
RE: Asian mommy issues
I can understand where you are coming from (not from experience, though).

The only advice I would impart is that you must be sure to make your decisions based on what is best for you rather than making them to spite your parents. No one wins when they hurt themselves in an attempt to hurt others.

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12-11-2016, 10:24 PM
Post: #5
RE: Asian mommy issues
^
What he said.

meh
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